Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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