I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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