Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
