oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
