Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
