Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
