dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
