I think i peed on brittanys purse
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We were destined to go to rehab together
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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