I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
