drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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