Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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