I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
