My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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