I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
