Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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