1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
