I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
