You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
