It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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