I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
