yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
