so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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