I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
