i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
time to smoke my breakfast
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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