i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
