Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
