I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
