I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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