Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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