I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
