I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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