i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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