If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
