Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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