U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
