Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
