I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
