last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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