So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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