the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
