I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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