well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
