I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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