sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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