Quick, to the slutcave!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Randomize
