I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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