i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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