I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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