my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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