im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
