A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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