The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
