remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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